どうして分からないんですか？
Thursday, August 23, 2007 // 8:18 PM
なぜか分からなぃけど I've developed this immense fear of death. ってか in bed while imagine and think up what else I need to think of from that day, I sometimes lie clutching myself because I'm afraid any second I might slip into the Heavens. I read this book this morning (well...呼んでちゃった) and I've hear this before, that we only fear what we don't understand or know. And for me, that's true. I remember crying one night because I didn't understand whether my father truly cared about his family or not. I cried because I didn't know if he would learn some crazy shit in jail. It sucks not knowing things, and it sucks not understanding things. さらに it sucks when you think you understand something けど you regret it.
I don't like not knowing things, not understanding things, or being afraid because I don't understand things. Life would probably be a lot more boring if the answers just came to us けど sometimes I just wish they did.
...it makes me feel like such a weakling crying all the time から...
お休み。
Lost Butterfly
Monday, August 6, 2007 // 6:09 PM
Sometimes I wish life would stand still for a moment. It's like everything joyful passes by so quickly, yet everything painful takes ages to slip by. I guess thats why I write. It takes my mind off of everything I worry about. It's like...when I write, I have no limits, no boundaries, no authority. Sometimes even that becomes stressful--
then what?Suddenly I feel like I'm sick, I'm crazy, I'm weird, and there's something wrong with me. People always say, "Be yourself! Don't let anyone change who you are!" But what if who you are is just...not normal? It just can't be helped--if you don't fit the status quo, you just don't fit. Still, is it right to let someone so strange just walk on by? It almost seems cruel to me, but then again, I sometimes like being left alone. In fact, I feel this way quite often. I've never been very, very close to anyone really. Sure my parents are there, but one of them just annoys and angers me often and the other is a criminal--one who I'm beginning to fear.
...It doesn't seem right, to fear the person who helped make you...
...but it does when at times you wish they had not
...but then, there's no one & nothing to fear but...
yourself?
It doesn't make sense. Why doesn't anything ever make sense?
I hate not understanding things...
...I hate being lost.